the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
