first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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