Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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