I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
