I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
