He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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