Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
