i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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