I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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