Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
