I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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