Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
