On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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