I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
