I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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