If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
