I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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