I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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