Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
