Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
