my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
