i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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