I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
