Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
