Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
