The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
