Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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