I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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