Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
