HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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