Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
