If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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