Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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