The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
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