this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
