I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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