her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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