My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
