what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
