Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i now understand why vodka
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
