I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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