if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
