i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
