How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
