youre lurking in front of me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
