Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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