Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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