Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
