Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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