so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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