Can i not drive my cunt home
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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