Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
