we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
