My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
